Updated: Apr 16, 2021
I've booked two weeks off my Women's Aid work and purposely not put a lot else in my diary. Despite all the self care I put in... the meditation... the walks... the swims... the dancing... the sleeping, I still find the job exhausting, especially when alongside my ministry and so much time on zoom! So, what does a break look like when there's nowhere to go? I know you know this after the year we've had!
The kids are pretty self sufficient in so many ways these days so they don't need much from me in the school holidays. I only just about keep up with what they're up to now that activities have started again... football... forest school... training runs... volunteering to tidy the village... fiddle lessons... piano lessons and axe throwing! They've more in the diary than me this week for sure!
So today I made myself 2 lists... The first was the 'unfun' list... all the projects I never get around to... booking my car in for a service... clearing out cupboards... ordering mounts and frames for pictures... finally finishing off some IT tasks... cleaning the windows... The second was the 'fun' list... how I'd actually like to spend time over the next 2 weeks... walking... meditating... reading... creating art... making clothes... writing... I thought if I did it that way I'd at least be aware I had a fun list and so give it some focus!
I made myself start on the unfun projects this morning and had accomplished two before getting out of bed! I'd done many more before I got dressed... but that's because I didn't get dressed today 🤣 (despite my daughter's friend coming for dinner 😮)! So my day was mainly spent on the unfun stuff and I squeezed in a bath and some reading before bed to up my 'unfun to fun ratio'! That said I'm getting into bed tonight aware of the voice I've been talking to myself in... As I dusted the lounge I told myself it was disgusting that it had got to that point! As I finished off some IT tasks which took minutes I admonished myself for leaving them on the list so long! As I spoke to the garage on the phone I berated myself for the state of the windows. I gave myself a hard time for not getting out for a walk and not meditating!
Anyone else feel they they never do enough... never do it soon enough... never do it well enough? That they are not enough?
Actually scrap what I said at the beginning... its not work or the zooms that exhaust me...its this never enoughness!
So, what's the antidote? I let myself feel into it... feel the gnawing in my stomach... the tightness in my chest... the shame... and then I just try to be gentle, kind and loving with myself... to speak to myself as if I am a child feeling this 'awww sweetheart its ok... its not all your responsibility... it doesn't really matter... you are more than enough'. But does she hear? Can she hear? And even if she hears does she believe it? This part of me that's been conditioned to think she has to be more than she already is?
Yes my friends would probably say I'm good at self care... at rest... but they don't hear this inner voice that is always telling me I 'should be doing something else, something more'. Or maybe they do... because her voice lives in most of us...